Jarrod Baker: We Are All Doomed

here I am on the radio

Sat, 26 Apr 2014 23:24:44 +1200

Today Radio New Zealand National’s Music 101 programme aired a wee feature on musical comedy - The Secret Life of Musical Comedians. I’m included, as are fellow local musical comedians Robbie Ellis and Becky Crouch. Have a wee listen, why don’t you.

The Secret Life of Musical Comedians (Radio NZ)

we have a winner

Mon, 24 Mar 2014 23:27:47 +1300

Well, the public have voted, and it looks like I’ll be writing a song about the following delightful apocalyptic scenario:

Justin Bieber, James Blunt and Michael Buble cross streams and the Staypuff Marshmallow [Man] appears and drowns the earth in a flood of barf

Thanks, the public! If you’d like to hear the song and/or see me perform it, you’ll need to come along to the show.

I’ve also tallied up the genre suggestions, and it turns out there was a tie between ‘country’ and 'bluegrass’ so I’ll take that into account as well.

Other suggestions included progressive rock, rap, acid skiffle, Christian metal, Christian rock, folk, gospel, 80s sitcom theme song, pop, crooner style, Bach fugue, death metal, ska, 80s synth (with futuristic overtones), reggae, Gregorian chant, and rock opera (Meatloaf style). I’ll see what I can do.

voting now open

Sat, 15 Mar 2014 00:12:00 +1300

In case you’ve arrived late, here’s the deal: I’ve been taking suggestions for how the world is going to end, via Twitter, Facebook and this very website.

Suggestions are now closed: it’s voting time. Click through to the voting form and choose your favourite apocalyptic scenario; I’ll write a song about whichever one gets the most votes, and that song will feature in We Are All Doomed. You can also suggest a potential genre for the song, and if you leave your email address I’ll also put you in the draw to win two tickets to We Are All Doomed on the night of your choosing.

Choose wisely.

UPDATE: Voting is now closed. Thanks to everyone who participated!

the apocalypse will be crowdsourced

Wed, 05 Mar 2014 22:42:47 +1300

My Comedy Festival show this year, We Are All Doomed, is all about the end of the world. It might be Ragnarok or the Rapture; the rise of the machines or the heat-death of the universe.

I’d like to know how you think it’s all going to go down. Tell me how you think the world will end - either in comments, or on Twitter - and I’ll put the best suggestions to a public vote. I’ll then write a song based on the winning suggestion, which will feature in the show.

I’ll take suggestions until 10am on Friday 14 March, then the vote will happen sometime after that. So do your worst, I guess…

Comedy Festival presale now on!

Wed, 05 Mar 2014 11:28:32 +1300

So, you know, you can go and buy tickets to We Are All Doomed. If you want.

Here’s the poster for We Are All Doomed, designed by...

Tue, 25 Feb 2014 16:22:04 +1300

Here’s the poster for We Are All Doomed, designed by staggeringly good poster artist Hadley Donaldson. If you’re not super-demanding and you pay your bills on time, you should hire him to do your posters, too.

We Are All Doomed

Wed, 11 Dec 2013 11:43:41 +1300

Hey, so it looks like I’ll be doing a show in the 2014 NZ International Comedy Festival. It’s called “We Are All Doomed” (subtitle: Songs for the End of the World) and it’s basically going to be an hilarious hour of songs and jokes about how an unstoppable catastrophic event will soon lead to the human race’s effective extinction.

Sounds fun, right?

Of course not everyone agrees on exactly what form Armageddon will take so I’ll be preparing for a variety of possible scenarios, from Ragnarok to The Rapture, and from Pandageddon to the Catpocalypse. I might also ask for some apocalyptic suggestions, so keep an eye out for that.

Mark your calendar now.

We Are All Doomed
Cavern Club, Allen Street, Wellington
7pm, Tuesday 13 - Saturday 17 May 2014

FanFiction, Part 2

Wed, 11 Dec 2013 11:14:21 +1300

I wrote another story for FanFiction Comedy this year. In this one, I imagine what it would have been like if my favourite childhood TV show, Knight Rider (which was sadly cancelled before its time) actually got the final episode it deserved.

This one didn’t go down as well as the last one. I guess there weren’t that many Knight Rider fans in.

Michael Knight’s Last Stand

“Here’s to another successful mission, KITT,” said Michael Knight, as he and KITT pulled into the driveway of the Foundation for Law and Government after completing another successful mission. “I’ll just go inside and debrief Devon.” He opened KITT’s door, and bounded up the stairs into the luxurious mansion that served as the Foundation’s headquarters.

However when Michael reached his old friend Devon Miles’ office, he found it in disarray. Papers were strewn everywhere, and the safe was wide open. Devon was kneeling in front of the safe, filling a duffel bag with cash.

“Michael, thank god you’re here,” said Devon. “Help me fill this bag - we’ve got a helicopter to catch.”

“Wait just a damn minute Devon,” said Michael, “I’m not filling any damn bag with money or getting on any damn helicopter until you tell me what the damn hell is going on.”

Devon stood and turned to face his old friend.” It seems that the US Federal Government is no longer willing to tolerate what they describe as ‘vigilante organisations’. They’ve already shut down the Phoenix Foundation; my counterpart there, Mr Thornton, says their lead operative is missing, presumed dead.”

“Oh no. Not Angus.”

“I’m afraid so. This is the end for the Foundation, Michael. It’s likely that federal agents are already on their way here. Now, let us head for the helipad..”

“What about KITT?” Michael exclaimed.

“I’m sorry Michael,” sighed Devon. “We’ll have to leave the car behind.”

“I’m not leaving without KITT,” said Michael. “He’s not just a car, he’s my friend.”

“Then I suppose this is goodbye,” said Devon, handing Michael a thick wad of money. “Good luck. You and KITT will need it.”

Michael ran back to KITT. “Come on old buddy, we’ve got to get out of here. The FBI are coming for us.” The Foundation’s helicopter rose into the sky behind the mansion.

“Michael, I’m afraid it might already be too late,” said KITT. “My sensors detect several SUVs approaching this residence - and it appears they may have air support.”

A missile streaked through the air, and the Foundation’s helicopter burst into flames, falling back to the earth. A pair of heavily armed gunships rose into the air over the mansion, then rotated to focus their attention on Michael and KITT.

“NOOO!!! DEVON!!!” said Michael, as KITT’s engine roared into life, propelling them down the Foundation’s driveway.

“I recommend you engage your seatbelt, Michael,” said KITT, as they hurtled directly towards a line of black FBI SUVs. Michael fumbled his belt into place just as KITT activated his Turbo Boost, propelling them over the top of the SUVs and out onto the road.

“That was a close one,” said Michael, as they hurtled away from their pursuers. “Thanks, KITT.”

“Our troubles aren’t yet over,” said KITT. “I won’t be able to outrun those helicopters forever. And while bullets cannot penetrate my molecular bonded shell, their rockets unfortunately can. I believe it is best if we separate.”

“Separate? That’s crazy, KITT, I’m not going anywhere without you.”

“I’m afraid I must insist, Michael.” KITT’s glovebox popped open revealing a shiny new California Driver’s License - featuring Michael’s photograph, but a different name. “I’ve taken the liberty of preparing you a new identity, using my built-in ID printer that we’ve never had a reason to mention before. Take it, and built yourself a new life.”

“But KITT-”

“No buts, Michael. If I can draw their fire, it might be possible for you to escape. It makes no logical sense for both of us to be captured.”

“I don’t care, I’m not-” began Michael, before suddenly finding himself rolling across the road and into some bushes. KITT had undone his seatbelt, opened the door and through skillful driving thrown him out!

“So long, Michael,” said KITT, driving away. “Live a long and happy life.”

Just then, the FBI’s gunships appeared once again, giving chase to the modified Trans Am. They began firing rocket after rocket; Michael heard explosion after explosion. Then, as suddenly as they had begun, the explosions stopped.

Tears began to trickle down Michael’s face. “Oh, KITT,” he said. “Oh, no.”

It was some time before Michael could bring himself to leave his bush hiding place; he waited until he was sure the FBI was gone. KITT’s final words echoed in his head. Live a long and happy life. “I’ll do my best, KITT”, he said to himself, I’ll do my best.

He picked up his new ID from the ground, where it had been thrown conveniently next to him, and stared at his new name, trying on it on for size in his head. He found he kind of liked it - after all, it wasn’t as if Michael Knight was his real name in the first place.

Yes, he thought, I can be this new person. I can be Mitch Buchannon.

FanFiction, Part 1

Wed, 11 Dec 2013 11:08:00 +1300

I wrote this story for my guest appearance during FanFiction Comedy’s first Wellington show, back in May 2012.

It appears that perhaps I got the wrong end of the stick. OR DID I?

Fan Fiction

It was a hot summer’s day, and George was hard at work. Not everyone could have handled the tireless back and forth of George’s job, but he liked it - and according to independent tests undertaken on behalf of Consumer magazine, he was pretty good at it, from a price versus performance perspective.

George was a Goldair 30cm Oscillating Desk Fan - not the largest or most powerful in Goldair’s extensive range, but reasonably priced, and ideal for creating airflow in a small to medium sized room with adequate ventilation.

Normally, George found himself in his owner’s office or bedroom - the ideal workplace for a fan of his make and model. Both rooms were well within his normal operating specifications, as confirmed by a comprehensive battery of tests undertaken by Goldair’s dedicated fan engineering facility.

More recently, however, George found himself pressed into service cooling larger and larger rooms. Once, his owner even expected him to somehow provide cooling to the entire open-plan kitchen-slash-dining area, a scenario so obviously far beyond George’s modest capabilities that Goldair’s engineers hadn’t even bothered to test for it. After straining ineffectually for nearly 45 minutes, George was unceremoniously switched off, and angrily shoved in a corner, facing the wall. He had never before felt so small and inadequate.

Today, however, George was at work in the TV lounge - a space much more suited to his modest talents. As he gently oscillated back and forth, his owner sat in front of the television, idly flicking through channels.

Suddenly, their quiet revery was interrupted by the distinctive sound of the doorbell - followed by an insistent knock, as if their visitor was unsure if the doorbell was working. George’s owner quickly bounded up off the couch and ran to the door. George could only catch glimpses of the visitor - he only oscillated in the correct direction every now and then - but it appeared that he and George’s owner were engaged in a transaction of some kind.

The next time George’s head oscillated back towards the doorway, the mysterious visitor had gone, and George’s owner was lugging a large cardboard box inside the house. He dragged it slowly over the polished wooden floors - being careful not to let any of the staples from the box scratch the lovingly restored native timber - into the TV lounge, and began unpacking the contents.

Whatever was inside was in several parts, and it took George’s owner quite some time to assemble it - although this may have been partly due to unclear instructions having been provided by the manufacturer. Finally, however, the last piece was securely fastened into place, and the new arrival was hoisted into an upright position.

If George could have gasped, he would have - it was beautiful. 5 and a half feet of chrome-plated, 5-speed perfection. George’s owner had just taken delivery of a new fan - and not just any fan. This was a Russell Industries 5000 - a modern reimagining of a vintage East German design, with all new electronics under its meticulously polished exterior. George knew from reading Fan Fan Magazine - the magazine for fan enthusiasts - that the Russell 5000 was capable of cooling a room the size of their open plan kitchen slash dining room when set to as little as 2, or 3 on an unusually warm day - with settings 4 or 5 only necessary for much larger rooms or for wind effects during music video shoots.

George had been replaced by a fan that was his superior in every way. His feelings of inadequacy began to bubble to the surface once again. “Hello, Mr Russell,” he shouted, somewhat desperately. “I’ve heard so many wonderful things about you. I hope we can be friends.” But the Russell 5000 did not respond - in fact showing no signs of hearing him at all.

George’s owner cleaned up the Russell 5000’s packaging, then came back and picked up the Russell 5000’s plug. Looking around for a suitable outlet, his eyes settled on the one George was currently plugged into. Without fanfare, George suddenly found himself powerless. Meanwhile, the Russell 5000 roared into life, and before long, the TV lounge was icily cool. George’s owner returned to watching television, while George, unplugged was left staring fixedly into space. Forgotten.

George started imagining how he would be disposed of - hoping fervently that he would be sold on TradeMe, but knowing that was unlikely for an appliance worth only thirty dollars brand new. He resigned himself to the inevitable trip to the rubbish dump - where his only hope was being rescued for sale in the recycling centre. George began to feel like a condemned prisoner, waiting for execution. When would his moment come? Every time his owner stirred from the couch, George became tense. Was it now?

Finally, George’s owner strode towards him decisively. This was clearly it. George was lifted up and carried down the hall. “Goodbye, everyone,” George called out to the other domestic appliances in the household. “Remember me!” Then he shut his eyes tightly, and waited for the inevitable.

Finding himself being gently put down and plugged back into power, George opened his eyes again. He was in his owner’s bedroom - in a prime spot right next to the bed! Of course, he realised - the Russell 5000 was far too powerful for a medium-sized room such as this one! He wasn’t being thrown out - he had the most important job of all. If George could have smiled, he would have.

Soon, George’s owner was ready for bed. Putting on his pajamas, he slid gently under the covers, reaching over to turn George to a lower setting. “Goodnight, George” he said, as he closed his eyes.

“Goodnight, Dr Chris Warner,” said George.

Thanks, you guys...

Tue, 14 May 2013 12:25:13 +1200

…for coming along to Songs for my infant daughter. I had a great time. If you liked the songs then good news! I’m going to attempt to record some of them and make them available for download at sometime in the not too distant future.

Of course, the Comedy Festival is far from over, and I strongly encourage you to get out and see more shows this week. I can recommend Michele A'Court, Jeremy Elwood, and TJ McDonald and Nick Gibb; I’m also keen to see Steve Hughes, as I really liked his set at First Laughs. And if you didn’t see Jonny Potts’ show in the first week of the festival (I saw a preview and it was great) then it returns this Friday and Saturday.

One down, three to go

Thu, 09 May 2013 00:26:29 +1200

Thanks to everyone who came along to my opening night. I had fun. I hope you did too.

Happy May the 4th everyone. Celebrate by watching...

Sat, 04 May 2013 12:39:08 +1200

Happy May the 4th everyone. Celebrate by watching “Troops” and buying some tickets to my comedy show.

Showtime, Synergy

Fri, 03 May 2013 12:35:43 +1200

Only a few days left until Songs for my infant daughter kicks off - hope you can make it along. If you came to last year’s show and liked it this one should be at least as good. If you came to last year’s show and didn’t like it, then this one is better. If you didn’t come to last year’s show then here’s your chance to make amends/see what all the fuss is about/see a funny show with music and stuff.

If you want to see even more of me, or want to see me do something a bit different, then I’ll be reading a story as part of FanFiction Comedy on Sunday 5 May - apart from the regular performers this show will also feature Sam Smith and Josie Long.

And if you’d like to see someone else entirely, then please feel free to consult the festival roundup I wrote for Word on the Street. It’s by no means comprehensive (there are plenty of good shows that I haven’t listed), but it’s at least a starting point.

The consequences of not having a ticket to Songs for my infant...

Sun, 28 Apr 2013 13:54:55 +1200

The consequences of not having a ticket to Songs for my infant daughter could be severe (probably not though).

Get yours quickly because:

Ticket sales have LITERALLY TRIPLED in the last week*
The show opens real soon (Wednesday 8 May)

*which would be way more impressive if the starting number was higher

Buy tickets

"He started smoking stuff that wasn’t legal Next thing you know he was killed by an eagle"

Thu, 25 Apr 2013 01:08:00 +1200

“He started smoking stuff that wasn’t legal
Next thing you know he was killed by an eagle”

- Sample line from “Don’t Take Drugs”, a lo-fi educational comedy rap song which will receive its public debut as part of “Songs for my infant daughter”

This will probably be my show’s poster*. I like it because...

Sun, 31 Mar 2013 14:51:34 +1300

This will probably be my show’s poster*. I like it because it makes me look like I’m blind and have a combover (neither of those things is true).

*assuming I haven’t screwed anything up or left anything out

People often ask me “Jarrod, where does the magic...

Sat, 30 Mar 2013 18:38:03 +1300

People often ask me “Jarrod, where does the magic happen?” I’m very happy to finally reveal that it happens right here.

While you're here

Tue, 05 Mar 2013 17:19:12 +1300

Allow me to direct your attention to my new text-only street style blog, text street style. Because those photo-based street style blogs leave nothing to the imagination.

Comedy Lab

Sun, 03 Mar 2013 16:17:41 +1300

This month I’m hosting the Comedy Lab, in which comedians try out bits from their shows in the upcoming Comedy Festival.

For 2013 Comedy Lab is being hosted by The Medicine - the regular Wednesday night gig at Cavern Club on Allen Street. There are three of them - 13 March, 20 March and 27 March - and in each show three different comics will do 15 minute sets, followed by an audience Q&A. There’ll also be a different headline act each week.

I’ll tell some jokes and maybe sing some songs and if I get my shit together maybe even do some stuff from my show.

It would be lovely to see you there.

Crowdsourcing

Sat, 02 Mar 2013 11:26:58 +1300

For the show I’m doing a medley of songs which feature the word “baby”. Any suggestions?

So far I have:
Bye Bye Bye (N’Sync)
Baby (Justin Bieber)
Baby Baby (Amy Grant)
Firework (Katy Perry)